Thursday, November 30, 2006

Do pants have ears?

At the local bookstore they decided that instead of using the overhead speakers they would use walkie-talkies. This way it would not feel so much like going to Wal-Mart, I guess. How dare they ruin the ambiance of a box store!

So I am standing at the check out and the person helping me stops and says to a coworkers who walked up, "I was paging you on the walkie-talkie. Did you not hear me?"

"No.", says the coworkers pulling the walkie-talkie out of her pocket, "I can't hear from my pants." Everyone standing near by just started laughing. I think I was the loudest. The poor coworkers got slightly embarrassed and was then reminded that she could clip it to her waistband so she could hear it.

She did so and was walking away. She didn't get very far when the person helping me said into the walkie-talkie, "Can you hear me?"

The girl paused, pushed her hip to the side, looked at it where the walkie-talkie was, turned to the person helping me and said, "No."

So apparently she can't hear from her hip either.

Friday, November 17, 2006

The third toe from the left...no right

I was talking to my maternal grandmother yesterday on the phone and she was telling me the problems she is having with her feet. She has arthritis very badly and it has just gnarled her hands and feet. On one of her feet it is so bad that one of her toes keeps rubbing on her shoes and it gets to the point where it is bleeding and unable to heal.

I asked her what toe we were talking about and she paused...trying to think of a way to explain. She finally said the toe next to the little one...I told her that she could call it her ring toe....she laughed and said no the one beside that one. Then she said the third one from the right. I told her that it was also the third one from the left since it was her middle toe and she had to pause to think about that. She was so intent on starting from the right that it didn't dawn on her the fact that it is in the middle!

She said she went to the doctor about it and half jokingly said to him that she wanted that toe cut off. The doctor said that would not be a problem, and that she would have a three day stay in the hospital. She chickened out for now and I asked her why and she said it was because she didn't want to stay in the hospital! Oh who cares about getting a toe chopped off, I don't want to be in the hospital! She did explain that the hospitals are very understaffed and with her hands the way they are she can't open milk carton or do other nimble things like that. So then I asked her what she does at home and she said that at home she has scissors, knifes, hammers...etc. I just had to laugh, that is my grandmother for you.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

I "dressed up" for Halloween today. I usually don't do anything, but this year I did. I fixed my hair up really nicely. Dressed in my best clothes, with a jacket. I even wore make-up. I hate the stuff but I did it tody. Eyeliner, mascara, lipstick...the works. I even wore fake pearls. So, as you can tell, I really dressed up for Halloween!

You would be surprised how many people I had to explain this to! I mean really explain, going as far as saying...I didn't wear jeans, t-shirt, and tennis shoes...I dressed-up.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Q-tips

My husband just called me at work and said, "I can't find the Q-Tips." Now I know we don't have any at the house and I know he knows we don't have any at the house. So I asked him where he was and he told me the pharmacy. I don't know why he would call me to tell me that instead of asking someone there. Men!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Tomato Sauce and Bull Riding

Yesterday my husband and I went to the county fair. I was disappointed with how little there was going on there. I wanted the $10 back that we paid to get in. We were able to leave and then come back later since they stamped our hand. We went and looked around then left for a little while until it was time for the bull riding at 7:30.

I needed to go to the hardware store for something and on the way there we saw on the road about 5 cans of Hunt's Tomato Sauce. I told Frankie, jokingly to stop and I would pick them up to take home. He did stop right at one and told me to open the car door, reach out and get it. I did....it was so funny. My short little arms could barely reach it. I had to even unbuckle to get it. I grabbed it and shut the door. The rest of them were behind us on the other side of the road. Frankie was willing to go back, but I said no that it was ok. So we have one perfectly good can of tomato sauce...I think I might make some kind of soup.

After we were done at the hardware store we headed back to the fair to watch the bull riding. There were a lot of people in the stands, which is great! I at least had a long sleeve shirt on thank goodness because it got rather chilly. We called the local weather information center and they said it was 60 degrees. A bit chilly when you are just sitting. The bull riding started off a little slow with only a couple of guys riding the whole 8 seconds. Then it picked up and thank goodness only one guy got hurt when he couldn't get his foot out of the stirrup. That was so scary. I am not sure, but I think he might have hit his head on the fence part as the bull drug him around the arena. He didn't break anything because later we saw him limping around.

The best ride was the last ride and it was also the guy who won the contest. He aslo had drawn the bull to ride that if he was able to stay on for the entire 8 seconds he would win extra money. I don't know the guy but I was very excited for him. I know those guys can have a really rough life going from rodeo to rodeo, paying out the entry fee to get bucked off after a minute ride. All the time and money invested down the drain. So it was good to see him get the extra money. So the bull riding got exciting and the rodeo clowns are always a riot despite the fact that they have a very serious job. I guess he fair was worth the money after all!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I Think My Cat Isn't Normal...As Far As Normal Goes For Cats!

Take this morning for instance. We had some bubble bath sitting on the edge of the tub, and every few days it would leak a few drops into the tub. Now, being a little bit lazy neither me nor my husband had clean it up for a few months. It smelled good (coconut and mango) when new drops fell, so I didn't mind it too much. Well today was all I could take of it so I put some water in the tub and stood in it to wash it away with my feet. Pan must have though this was a new game or something. He jumped on the side of the tub and kept walking around and around it staring at the bubbles, the water, and my feet. He thought about and almost did get in the tub once, but changed his mind. He had his back legs on the rim and kept moving his front legs down farther and farther into the tub. He was almost to the point of no return when he pulled back up to the rim. Then he would go around the tub again on the rim.

I got it all clean and steped out of the tub myself. Of course now it is all bubbly and not draining all the bubbles. So I had a cup I would fill water to pour on the remaining bubbles. Pan had finally got down and decided to put his front paws up on the tub rim while the rest of him stayed on the ground. Of course he decides to do this right under where I am standing. So it looks like I standing right behind him. This was not close enough to all the action for him so he puts his front paws down in the tub and hangs his head over...yes much like a drunk over the toilet...which by the way he does this this hanging over the rim thing with the toilet too. I have to tell my cat...MY CAT...to stop drinking the toilet water!

Anyways, Pan is hanging over the rim of the tub as I try to get all the bubbles down the drain. I finally give up and leave the rest and Pan gets down and heads straight for the toilet, gets yelled at, so then heads to the trash can. At the trash can he gets yelled out because he is constantly digging in it...and you will never guess for what. He is looking for balled up paper. His favorite is balled up paper towels, but he will also get balled up tissue.

Now what does a cat want with balled up paper you might ask. In this case with this crazy cat he wants to bring to me or my husband so that we can throw it for him. That is right our cat plays fetch. It is obessive compulsive fetch...much like a dog. Just so you know I do not throw the things he gets out of the trash...that is gross. But, I do have the distract Pan as I throw it back away or put in the trash can with a lid, other wise he will get it back out.

He really is funny about his paper towels. I will throw it, he will get it, and he will bring it right back to me. He will drop it in my hand if I have it out for him. If I am not paying attention to him he will drop it near my feet then go sit aways from me and just stare. My husband will call me at work to tell me that Pan is staring at him again and it is freaking him out. I tell him the throw the stupid "toy" then. If Pan is persitant in wanting to play and I am not paying any attention to him, he will drop his toy and then put his front legs up in my lap. He will fetch and retreive aggressively until he gets tired. Then he will go get it but not bring it back to me. Either he lays down half-way between where I threw it to and me or he will just come back to me without it. That is when all breath a sigh of relief and can go back to what it was we were doing before.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Head of the Household

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this
line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Kitty Litter Cake

This is for all you cooks out there looking for something a little different.........

There is a picture below. It doesn't look very nice, but I hear it's actually quite tasty. If you make this "treat" please let me know how it turns out!

CAKE INGREDIENTS:
1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent

SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"
1 NEW cat-litter box
1 NEW cat-litter box liner
1 NEW pooper scooper

1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.

2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.
3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.

4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Baby Head Cemetery

My husband was driving to Ft. Worth and he just pass Llano, TX when he saw a sign saying Baby Head Cemetery. Now a person just shouldn't let that go by without finding some information out. Here is what we found from http://candymountainlonghorns.com/h_baby_head.htm

BABY HEAD, TEXAS. Baby Head is on State Highway 16 near Babyhead Mountain, ten miles north of Llano in north central Llano County. A post office was established there in 1879 with Shelby Walling as postmaster; the post office was closed in 1918. Baby Head was at one time the site of an election and justice court precinct and supported several small businesses and a school. By 1968 it was a rural community of twenty people marked only by a cemetery. In 1990 the population was still twenty.

For over 100 years, the presence of Babyhead Mountain, a rugged hill lying some nine and a half miles north of Llano, has given foreboding testimony to one of the most gruesome and controversial incidents to have ever occurred in Llano County. It was here that a search party discovered the dismembered body of a missing child, her head impaled on a stick near the summit of the hill.

The century-long reigning oral account of the atrocity has, curiously, divulged only that the hill received its name after the discovery there of the child; that the bloody head had belonged to a tiny girl; and that people in general believed that the barbarous act was yet another Indian depredation perpetrated to convince the Whites they were not welcome in Indian territory.

A Llano resident whose ancestors lived in the area during the time of the incident, presented an entirely different version of the famous tale.

"When I was 14, my uncle told me that his father, told him that a local "mob" of wealthy and powerful ranchers killed the little girl and blamed it on the Indians. They came to my great-grandfather, who lived in Cherokee at the time and was considered an important and influential man, and told him they were going to massacre a whole family of homesteaders. They gave him three reasons why and asked him to participate in it.

"Number one, they considered this particular family poor white trash and they were therefore expendable. I never heard the name of the family. Number two, there had been frequent raids by the Comanches, and ranchers and homesteaders alike wanted the U.S. Cavalry to dispatch a unit in the area for protection. (The government had dismantled some of the area forts and didnt regard the Comanche problem as warranting a Cavalry unit here.) And number three, they wanted to discourage more settlers from coming in and staking homestead claims on their lands. There was a big disagreement over land claims at that time.

"So the "mob" thought up an incident of such horrible magnitude that it would show there was a serious Indian problem in the area, and the army would bring the Cavalry in. And at the same time it would solve the problems with the homesteaders.

Your comments?

Monday, June 26, 2006

A Quote from Johnny

"And incase you dont know what a cadaver is; it is a person who after death decides to donate their body to science."

-Johnny a pre-med major at the university where I work-

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Z. Staff

At the university were I work it is registration time. A student was looking at the schedule. He looked up and asked a nearby female student if she had every had a class with Z. Staff. She laughed and said, "Oh yes, they are awesome!" She thought he was joking. I laughed as well because I thought he was joking. As it turned out he was not because you see when we have not scheduled a professor for a class we put the professor as Z. Staff. Silly Freshmen!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Taser Stun Gun

I don't know if this is true or not, but it is too funny not to post!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-AAA batteries...right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-...that hurt!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lb. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Tommy

Thursday, March 9, 2006

The things my co-worker says...

***The other day Sally Rocker (remeber her last name) was verifiying a degree obtain from the University were I work and normally she will just give her first name and last inital to the caller. On this call she said the following:

"My name is Sally R. as in Rocker."

I looked up and busted out laughing. So now I say "R as in Rocker".***

***Today Sally was talking to Bill who works across campus. Bill usually rides his bike over so if he has a file to bring he will stick in the back of his pants. (Luckily they are not files that I have to touch and he does tuck in his shirt.) Well today he rode his bike and had a file, so you know where the file was.

Sally with all her forethought, yelled after him as he walked away, "Bill, What is in your pants?" Lucky for her he didn't hear her.

That again caused me to burst out laughing. I laughed so hard that I was crying.***

Friday, March 3, 2006

Trust Issues

Yesterday my cell phone rang while I was at work. Usually only my husband calls. A quick glance at the incoming number told me it was him. I answered it with a friendly hello (you know the kind you give when you know someone) and this lady burst out with, "I just received a text message from your phone number." I told her that I hadn't sent a text message and she continued to harass me in a very forceful unfriendly tone about how she did just get a message from my phone and kept asking me if I knew Mona. I told her that the number that showed up on my screen was my husband's phone number. We have Sprint and they often have strange things going on, so I wasn't too surprised when the person calling wasn't my husband. She said that she was calling on her husband's phone and that a text message from my phone showed up.

First of all wouldn't I KNOW if I had texted someone and second I do NOT know anyone named Mona. I kept telling her this and finally she said, "OK, I am going to save this message and show it to my husband when he gets home." Then she hung up. I think that was a threat...I am not sure how...but I think it was.

I turned to a co-worker and told her what had happened so we both were wondering what in the world that message could have said! That is when I looked back at the number that I received the call from and I realized it was not my husband's phone number! So at least Sprint isn't total messed up! (not totally). My husband phone ends in 54 and the number that came up was 45...otherwise they were identical. So I can just imagine what she thought when I answered the phone all friendly and she had a message on her husband's phone from my phone! (I think they might have some trust issues).

She called back not 2 minutes later and said, "I just called you because I got a text message from you on this phone." I again told her that I had not texted anyone! So then I asked her what the message said. (I know curiosity killed that cat...but then again I am not a cat!) She read it to me and here is what it said, "I am leaving from Sylvan now. See you soon. Love you!"

That is when it dawned on me. I tutor at Sylvan Learning Center and I probably did text MY HUSBAND (not her's), but as I stated earlier the numbers are almost the same. What I didn't state is the fact that I mix numbers up all the time...all the time! So I am guilty of sending out this message, BUT it was innocent.

Now the rest of the conversation with this lady went like this:

I explained that the numbers were very close and it was a mistake that it went to her husband's phone, but I had text that message a few weeks ago! She said, again in a very mean voice, "I just received this text at 4:30 PM TODAY!" I told her that Sprint does have it problems, but I promised I had not sent it today and that it was meant for my husband and that I had just messed up the numbers. Her last comment was, "So you don't know anyone named Mona?" No I don't. To that she said, "OK, bye."

It was embarrassing that I made that mistake (mixing up numbers) and it scared me because I was innocent but still getting harrassed. On top of all that when I don't use my cell to call my husband I have messed up the number (in a totally different way than above) and call someone named Kelly. So far, thank goodness, I have only gotten her voicemail. I bet she wonders who keeps calling her, but at least she doesn't call back!

So now I am totally paranoid about calling my husband! I think I will just crawl into a corner and read a book now!

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Welcome to the World of Jennifer

Hello, I have started this blog as a way to talk about things that matter to me or that I find funny. I find many things funny! :)

I am in my early thirties, married, no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs, and live in south Texas. I plan on writing about my travels, my family, my life.

I hope you enjoy and feel free to comment! :)