Friday, March 24, 2006

Taser Stun Gun

I don't know if this is true or not, but it is too funny not to post!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-AAA batteries...right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-...that hurt!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lb. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Still in shock, Tommy

Thursday, March 9, 2006

The things my co-worker says...

***The other day Sally Rocker (remeber her last name) was verifiying a degree obtain from the University were I work and normally she will just give her first name and last inital to the caller. On this call she said the following:

"My name is Sally R. as in Rocker."

I looked up and busted out laughing. So now I say "R as in Rocker".***

***Today Sally was talking to Bill who works across campus. Bill usually rides his bike over so if he has a file to bring he will stick in the back of his pants. (Luckily they are not files that I have to touch and he does tuck in his shirt.) Well today he rode his bike and had a file, so you know where the file was.

Sally with all her forethought, yelled after him as he walked away, "Bill, What is in your pants?" Lucky for her he didn't hear her.

That again caused me to burst out laughing. I laughed so hard that I was crying.***

Friday, March 3, 2006

Trust Issues

Yesterday my cell phone rang while I was at work. Usually only my husband calls. A quick glance at the incoming number told me it was him. I answered it with a friendly hello (you know the kind you give when you know someone) and this lady burst out with, "I just received a text message from your phone number." I told her that I hadn't sent a text message and she continued to harass me in a very forceful unfriendly tone about how she did just get a message from my phone and kept asking me if I knew Mona. I told her that the number that showed up on my screen was my husband's phone number. We have Sprint and they often have strange things going on, so I wasn't too surprised when the person calling wasn't my husband. She said that she was calling on her husband's phone and that a text message from my phone showed up.

First of all wouldn't I KNOW if I had texted someone and second I do NOT know anyone named Mona. I kept telling her this and finally she said, "OK, I am going to save this message and show it to my husband when he gets home." Then she hung up. I think that was a threat...I am not sure how...but I think it was.

I turned to a co-worker and told her what had happened so we both were wondering what in the world that message could have said! That is when I looked back at the number that I received the call from and I realized it was not my husband's phone number! So at least Sprint isn't total messed up! (not totally). My husband phone ends in 54 and the number that came up was 45...otherwise they were identical. So I can just imagine what she thought when I answered the phone all friendly and she had a message on her husband's phone from my phone! (I think they might have some trust issues).

She called back not 2 minutes later and said, "I just called you because I got a text message from you on this phone." I again told her that I had not texted anyone! So then I asked her what the message said. (I know curiosity killed that cat...but then again I am not a cat!) She read it to me and here is what it said, "I am leaving from Sylvan now. See you soon. Love you!"

That is when it dawned on me. I tutor at Sylvan Learning Center and I probably did text MY HUSBAND (not her's), but as I stated earlier the numbers are almost the same. What I didn't state is the fact that I mix numbers up all the time...all the time! So I am guilty of sending out this message, BUT it was innocent.

Now the rest of the conversation with this lady went like this:

I explained that the numbers were very close and it was a mistake that it went to her husband's phone, but I had text that message a few weeks ago! She said, again in a very mean voice, "I just received this text at 4:30 PM TODAY!" I told her that Sprint does have it problems, but I promised I had not sent it today and that it was meant for my husband and that I had just messed up the numbers. Her last comment was, "So you don't know anyone named Mona?" No I don't. To that she said, "OK, bye."

It was embarrassing that I made that mistake (mixing up numbers) and it scared me because I was innocent but still getting harrassed. On top of all that when I don't use my cell to call my husband I have messed up the number (in a totally different way than above) and call someone named Kelly. So far, thank goodness, I have only gotten her voicemail. I bet she wonders who keeps calling her, but at least she doesn't call back!

So now I am totally paranoid about calling my husband! I think I will just crawl into a corner and read a book now!

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Welcome to the World of Jennifer

Hello, I have started this blog as a way to talk about things that matter to me or that I find funny. I find many things funny! :)

I am in my early thirties, married, no kids, 2 cats, 2 dogs, and live in south Texas. I plan on writing about my travels, my family, my life.

I hope you enjoy and feel free to comment! :)